Back to school

I had to go to school today to learn the finer points of PowerPoint. I got to sleep in 10 minutes extra, take a later train and still got to SF way too early. Spent some time in the nearest Starbucks (there really is one on every corner -- just about) until a stinky homeless man convinced this very overweight lady to give him money and her pastry. Instead of being grateful and leaving, he sat down near her (and me) and proceeded to chat her up. Big mistake on her part, but whatever. As soon as I decided to leave because of his stink, the manager came over and told him to leave -- even though he had a Starbucks bag o' pastry in his dirty little hands. The homeless man was smart enough to ask why (and not in that weirdo, homeless person sort of way -- just like a normal person, which I'm assuming he is if he washed off all the dirt and stink on himself). The manager paused, and so did I because I wanted to hear what he was going to say, and he said something that I couldn't hear (darn!), and the homeless man said, "okay" and left. So did I.

No eye contact as I passed him on the street -- sorry, buddy, just bought a condo and I need all the pennies I have.

PowerPoint class. The class where, yet again, I am viewed as a genius and an expert even though I'm really not. The teacher told me during the lunch break that he was sorry the class was going so slow and that it was for beginners, really. I smiled. Gee, thanks for thinking I'm a genius! Let's see...I took an online class where I almost failed the question and answer portion, which then didn't help me one iota in preparing a mock PowerPoint presentation for work. I just fiddled with it until I finally made enough happy mistakes so that I finally do know what I'm doing.

Lucky for me, I listened to my manager who insisted I didn't need to go to the first day because I would be bored. I really didn't think I needed to go to the second day after messing with PowerPoint for a few weeks, but I went anyway. The class is structured as "modules," so that the student could pay for whichever module they felt they needed to learn about. I was signed up for the full day -- modules 5-8.

Since people could pay for whichever class they wanted, that meant people who weren't there in the morning could show up in the afternoon. This happened for module 7 (org charts and graphs, oh my). This gal walked in and surveyed the land and decided that sitting next to me would be the best place to be. Oh no, I thought. I really hate it when there is enough open space for us all, but because of that darn herding instinct we all share as humans, there is always that one person who feels the need to sit next to another person. It always seems to be me. The tables were set-up so that two people could sit at them with their own computer terminal, and in between each student terminal was a monitor showing what the teacher was doing. This eliminates using an overhead and massive amounts of squinting. I'll tell you, if I had known that this was going to be the set-up, I would have sat all the way in the back. Even with my contacts in, I'm still fairly blind the farther away I am from something, so I sat in the middle.

So the girl sat down and started to remove her many classroom tools from her bag -- notebooks, pens, more notebooks, more pens. She was spread out in front of her terminal and in front of the shared monitor. Sigh....a note taker. I stopped taking notes about the time I started at my current company. Of course, this hasn't always worked out the best for me, but I've gotten by with just my brain for a really long time, surprisingly enough. When I started my new job, my notes consisted of scribbling a folder name and that was pretty much it.

We had some time before class started, so gal started looking at Craigslist.org (I wasn't looking....just "noticed"). The teacher came back into the room and he started to mess with the files and slowly started the class. Since I had already sat through 2 of these happy, fun modules, I knew what was in store and had already second-guessed his moves. So I was clicking on files and updating my presentation and looking like the genius that I am. Can't say I'll remember everything I did, but as long as I looked efficient while learning, everything will be okay.

Gal next to me was still looking at Craigslist, and soon gal realized class had begun. She tried to catch up (our teacher goes really slow too, so this shouldn't have been too hard), but she couldn't figure out where he was and what to do. So...she.asked.me.

Periods to stress annoyance.

She was now my personal nemesis for the moment.

I immediately had school flashbacks. She was the type of person in school that I dreaded and hated yet seemed to always attract. You know those people -- they come in late to class, and they spot you (me -- nerd), see the obviously empty seat next to you and plop their lazy butts into it. They expect you to:

• tell them what they missed, or
  
• let them look at your book (which could turn into a whole semester's worth of looking if you don't watch out and do something about it quickly), or
• ask you for your phone number so that when they "miss" class, they can call you because of course you've been in class since day one and haven't missed one class yet, so you'd be the perfect person to call for a quick lesson via the phone, or
• give them your notes every day so that they can photocopy them and maybe give them back (I did take notes at one point in my life)

OH NO. NO. I'm not gonna play your stupid "hold my hand because I was looking at Craigslist" game. But what can you do? Ignore them? Tell them, "I don't know? I'm just as confused as you are," while you're clicking way and matching the teacher's actions all the way? Man, I was busy looking good and second-guessing what the teacher was doing! Leave me alone! Why me? Why'd you got to sit next to me?

So I did what I always do in these situations, I mumbled loudly the file name the teacher just clicked on and then stared at the monitor in between us. Luckily, the teacher heard me, and since he was happy whenever anyone was confused because that meant he got to teach them something instead of just messing around with PowerPoint while we watched, he asked her if she needed him to go over it again. Thank goodness. Now I can go back to looking good.

Needless to say, she didn't ask me for help after that. Not even when she didn't understand why she couldn't open a file when she already had it open. Not even when she got lost during the chart explanation. Nope. I was worthless and mumbly. But just think, if I had been nice, I could be talking to her on the phone right now, teaching her what she should have learned. Maybe I can start a side-business? I am a genius, you know.