Ode to the flip flop

The other day I eyeballed some gal on the escalator in front of me. I think she just looked strange to me to begin with, so I wanted to check out her style. Her hair was pulled back into a bun. She wasn't really thin or big, just normal and very pale (worse than me, and that's really bad). She was wearing a women's blazer with either a tank top or t-shirt underneath. And a big pink skirt -- knee length. Big as in full. I moved my eyes down and saw the biggest fashion mistake for working women and men and just a general bad fashion mistake unless you're running around the beach or it's 100 degrees outside -- the flip flop.

What bugs me even more about her wearing this very inappropriate footwear while being somewhat dressed up for something (she could very well be an art student since the Academy of Art is right down the street -- those crazy kids have been known to be creative while expressing their uniqueness. I personally enjoy toting around and wearing my Paul Frank items whenever I can.) is that it was almost 7am, in San Francisco, and it was cold that morning. And white people, very pale white people, should never allow the cold air to hit their skin because what occurs when this happens is not very pleasant. White skin turns into blotchy pink and sometimes red skin. And veiny. And it's just not good looking. Add the flip flops to the mix, and you've got flat feet and blotchy skin to scare us all.

While on some level I am glad there are people in this world that just don't care about certain things (blotchy skin and showing toes) because it just shows a very healthy (or misconstrued) body image; on another level I wish I could run up to them, grab them by the shoulders and tell them to change whatever it is that's offending my beautiful brown eyes (so I've been told -- that's as far as I go with my body image).

There are few people in this world who can pull off wearing the flip flop. These people are usually well-manicured, tan and thin with no blotchies or veins popping out on their legs. Why is it then that everyone seems to think they can wear the flip flop? I know better -- I do own my own pair of flip flops that are about 2 inches high but have a neat criss-cross across the top instead of a lame single strap. But I only wear them when it's really hot and I'm not really going anywhere special. I know my feet aren't the best looking. I don't attend mani-pedi parties or try to file down my big toe nubs that just get larger and drier and grayer as I get older. I really could care less if my toenails looked perfect or had a french manicure (which just makes your feet look like bizarre hands, in my opinion) -- as long as they aren't all scraggly and scratching up my other toes, I'm good to go.

And I would never, ever, EVER cross the line of bad fashion and where a flat, lifeless flip flop with a skirt and show off my white and blotchy legs. Offer me a million dollars, then maybe, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

I don't like feet at all. Feet have always grossed me out. My feet are fine, but if you go sticking your feet on me, then forget it. I will get away from you as fast as I can. I avoid all naked foot contact. If you slap your stinky skis in socks, then maybe our feet can mingle, but it depends on how long your skis have been sitting in your socks.

Hey, I'm realistic. I know small, flat shoe ware does not look good on me. And it doesn't really look good on most women. And men? Please. Every time I see a man wearing flip flops, I just cringe. They look stupid. The only man that can get away with a flip flop look is a well-manicured man who is wearing a pair of breezy trousers with his 100 dollar plus flip flops. Not the 5.99 special at the grocery store -- No. They've got to be leather and look stylish. If you can't do that, then stick to running shoes or something that covers up your gorilla feet.

This all leads me to another shoe phenomena that I do not, will not and cannot understand.


This is the stupidest creation ever made. The only person who can wear these shoes and look remotely good in them is a thin, petite woman. With a tan. But what I see more often is ladies with the big monster feet wearing them. With pants, okay, maybe. With capris, I can live with it. But when they slap these babies on while wearing a skirt....well, it pretty much turns my stomach. Come on -- obviously these things were made for small feet, so don't go cramming your giant chubby feet into them so that you have foot overhang. It doesn't matter if your toes are all painted cute and ready for the summer. It just doesn't look good. And it certainly doesn't look good when you're in a full on power suit (skirt -- not pants), and you're trying to keep up with the men in their power suits wearing comfortable yet stylish Rockports. Yes, you're feminine and that's great and blah blah blah, but if you're about ready to fall every five seconds because you're teetering on a skinny 1-inch platform for the sake of femininity, then you're just an idiot.

So I don't really know which one I hate the most -- the offending yet casual flip flop or the offending yet dainty heeled flip flop. It's too hard to decide.

All I ask is that if you must wear them, please leave the rhinestones at home. The bedazzler went out of style 20 years ago.