Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Trying to find that balance.

I got the luxury of spending one week and a day with Mateo. Most of those days his daddy was home as well. I quickly realized that I have dissatisfaction with two things:

1. Being a stay at home mom (that's if I were one)
2. Working full time and hardly seeing Mateo (this is the case)

There was a point when I was on leave that I started losing my mind and myself because everything centered around Mateo and his needs. I joyfully looked forward to my husband coming home and the weekends because then I had help, but I soon realized that even then, everything was put on me unless I asked for time alone. I come from the land of "never ask for help, just assume the person you need help from will figure it out and offer the help, although that never really happens, so then get really mad and blow up over a sock on the ground."

So then I started looking forward to going back to work because at least I was going to get 11 hours a day of not having to worry about someone else. That too became a bother because yes, I got 11 hours a day to worry only about myself and my job, but 9 of those hours were at work, so it wasn't like I could get anything done. And I wasn't taking care of my child. Miss Joanne was. And well, that would get to anyone after a point. So then I thought I needed one day off a week from work and from Mateo to get stuff done, but monetarily, we can't afford it. Okay, so two days off a month. Again, we can't afford it. So then I decided to give up on trying to do stuff I wanted to do and just enjoy what time I had with Mateo. Although this is stressful and rather annoying at times, it seems like the best fix for my mental state.

Then I get a week off with my little guy, and I realized again how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. Especially when your child is incapable of taking care of him/herself. I thought for sure when Mateo was able to sit up and play with toys, my life would get that much easier. Nope. Now we're moving into the separation anxiety and the "you need to be right here, with me, at all times, or I shall cry like a banshee!!!" stage. He doesn't do it all the time, but he does it often enough that I can't get much done unless he's asleep. And now I'm fondly remembering those days when he barely moved unless it was involuntarily and would sleep in the swing or vibrating chair for an hour at time before waking up. And usually when he did wake up, he would just sit quietly, taking the time to look around at things before he started crying. Now he wants to be in the action at all times, he wants Mommy to be there at all times, even if Daddy is there, and when he's not happy, he lets me know.

I give women kudos for having children and taking care of their house at the same time. I simply cannot do that nor can I barely do work, child, home. I'm sure if I was home all the time I would have a good routine down, so just taking one week off really isn't a clear representation of how things would be otherwise.

So here I am, still trying to figure it all out and how to do all that I want to do without feeling frustrated and with putting Mateo first in all cases, which he always has been and always will be. And when I get home tonight and he starts flaying his little arms around because Mommy is home and he wants me to hold him, I'll probably forget about everything I think about daily and just succumb to the Mateo love. And if he sticks his tongue out at me, that'll make it all even better.

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