Damien from the movie The Omen came to visit me today.
Now, now. Don't be all jealous about this. You too can have Damien come visit you. And I'm here to tell you how.
First, get your kid nice and sick. A simple cold will suffice. Make sure you get ahold of some super cold germs that will make you sick as well, just for fun, mind you, and will cause your kid, whose immune system is still trying to build itself up to Iron Man capacity, to get only slightly sick at first, but in a day or two cause a high fever, loss of appetite and a nasty cough that keeps him and your husband up at night (becuase you're sick and have taken nyquil and don't really know what the heck is going on between the hours of 9pm and 4am). Yeah, get some of those germs. Okay good.
Second, make sure your kid gets an ear infection or two, which will be confirmed by a nurse practioner at Kaiser. Oh, but really, before all that, your kid will surely throw up a bunch of times, which is the reason you're taking him to Kaiser in the first place. So I guess the ear infection is really the third item, but it probably started rearing its ugly head the day before.
Fourth, make sure you child is nice and tired. Like really tired. Like so tired anything you do or say or insinuate doing, like bringing Elmo into the room thinking he might actually want Elmo like he normally does, will cause him to flip out and shake his head and repeat "no, no, no, no" over and over until his face bunches up and he begins to cry.
Finally, make sure that cough never ceases, especially the day after visiting Kaiser and vomiting and all the fun stuff, so your child can't nap. Even when he's dead tired at 9am. Or 10am. Or 11am. or noon. Just make sure that cough never lets up, no matter how many cups of water you give him, visits to the bathroom for some shower steam, gentle pats on the back, or asthma inhalers given every 2 hours.
Now, here's the kicker. This is sure to bring out the Damien. Introduce honey to your sick child. Something he's never had before. (But first make sure he's not allergic to honey because I don't want to be held responsible for an allergic reaction.) And because he thinks he's getting food and for a brief moment he'll actually think he wants it, he'll demand to sit in his high chair, all nice and proper. When given the spoon with honey on it, he'll easily find it a method for expressing his artistic side, and he'll soon be wiping honey all over the tray.
Now try to take the spoon away. Go ahead. I dare you.
After this point, try as you might, you won't be able to do anything to make Damien go away. Sure, you'll look at your child and see your child but deep inside Damien has taken over your precious baby.
Don't believe him when he runs to the high chair, demanding to be let up into it, because as soon as you stand up to head over there to put him in (with the simple hope that he may still eat something, if not honey, which was supposed to lovingly coat his throat), he'll turn around on a dime and yell, "No no no no!!!" and bum rush you and push you back onto the couch (well, as much as a 26 lb person can do, in my case).
As soon as he sees you sit down, Damien will bum rush the high chair again and plead to be let up so he can sit like and angel and eat something, anything and hey, why are you trying to starve your daemon???
You will foolishly get up again, only to be bum rushed again by Damien and be told "No no no no!!!" And to think you were only trying to the little daemon's bidding.
This is when Damien will crumple and lose all bone stability. Before his head starts spinning around or he accidently kills you by tossing a hard plastic toy at your head, I suggest grabbing him, wrapping him in his woobie, and wrangling the daemon out of your child before Damien thinks he's found a permanent residence in your angelic baby boy.
Naps always do the trick.
And, well, by then? No cough is going to hinder that from happening.