Bye bye vacation.

We decided to cancel our "mini" vacation.

No, no, don't feel bad for us. We're okay. More than okay. And we only have so many months left when we can change our plans left and right because Mateo will be catching on soon. And believe me, he's fine with it.

For those of you out there who don't have a job but have a kid, and those of you who have a job and no kid, be grateful. Because trying to manage work, life, kid, and planning even a simple vacation is too much. At least right now and at Mateo's age.

Both my husband and I are too busy at work, and we both feel that if we took the time off (me one day, him a half a day), it would hurt us in the end. And while this was intended to be a vacation in the sense of relaxation and fun, really, was it going to be that way? Probably not. I'd rather work, get paid, not lose the one day, save myself from feeling super rushed to get things done, have that peace of mind instead of trying to figure out how I was going to fit in shopping and packing and making sure everything was taken care of not to mention figuring out how to get to the nearest hospital in Monterey in case something terrible happened to Mateo.

So the new plan is going to Happy Hollow in San Jose, but that's only if there are no fires making the sky funky with smoke and ashes.

Wish us luck with that.

Vacation panic.

Countdown: -5 days to go and we're officially on our "mini" vacation.

How many times have I ran through lists of things I need to pack and all the stuff I need to do before we go: 100,394 times. Wait...100,395.

To alleviate some brain worries, I actually typed up a list for all the items we need for Mateo. It's now about a page long. And I really haven't alleviated any brain worries, I'm just now worried my list will never end or I'm still going to forget something.

We never managed to go grocery shopping this past weekend, so we've been eating take-out or cereal for meals (Fatty McGoo will be back come Monday, I promise. I got a wedding to go to in August and I don't want to wear a mu-mu.) I was going to go grocery shopping after picking up Mateo from daycare tonight, but he had other plans and wanted to whine and cry, so I figured it was going to be torture for me and him if we went.

On tonight's menu: The last thing in the house besides Mateo food. Eggs and hash browns. I might even whip up some tasty eggs in the nest! Call me Chef de Cuisine!

And to top off everything and my poor planning, I looked up events in Monterey this weekend. Blues Festival. Starting Friday. Through Sunday.

So depending on many factors out of my control so I'm trying to tell myself not to worry about them, we may be staying at our hotel resort with the golf carts and beach right out our door the whole weekend and venturing out purely for food and milk, or we may attempt a trip to the Aquarium to look at fish and touch some ocean creatures.

Not to mention clam chowder in a bread bowl.

Did I say cancel? Oh no. Not true. Not true at all.

So, never one to let circumstances weigh me down, I quite craftily devised a plan where my husband only uses a half day off and I use a full day off, and we all get to spend the weekend at the beach. Low and behold, this is our 2008 family vacation!

Instead of staying at the Beach House in Half Moon Bay, we're now staying at Sanctuary Beach Resort in Monterey where we get our very own golf cart. Yes, you read correctly. Our very own golf cart.

We have a lovely Jr. Suite overlooking the dunes and supposedly the ocean, and basically have a huge chunk of dunes and beach to ourselves. As the web site description states: Beach access merely steps from the threshold of your room. And there are bellmen. BellMEN. Not one man, but many men. Many men with bells, awaiting us to call and request bizarre things of them. And there is one picture of a restaurant (like we'd go - it looks too nice and our child is too wild), but I can't really find anything about this place, so I'm not going to even think about it when I have golf carts, dunes, bellmen and beaches to dream of.

Mateo gets to play in the sand, go to the aquarium and turn bright red. We shall buy him touristy tees and otter animals and sea shell bracelets.

And on Sunday, when we all get home, we will look fondly back upon our 2008 family vacation and dream of fishes and whales and clam chowder in a bread bowl.

Vacation cancelled.

After Mateo got sick again, and after the whole exploding eye incident from last week, my husband and I decided it would be better for us not to take our measly three days off in June and to save those days for more sicknesses and weird incidents that lay ahead of us.

While this is sad, it's just plain smart to do.

I did make one of them "wow, she's so smart" statements when we were trying to figure out if taking those days off was going to bite us in the butt later on: The beach isn't going anywhere.

Actually, I think I really used "ain't" and not "isn't," but that's beside the point.

And hey, we just saved ourselves a lot of money!

My vacation fears.

A while back my husband and I discussed renting a house somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was near the coast and in the redwoods, just so we could get away. The last big vacation we took was way back in 2006 when we all (Mateo was a seedling at the time) went to Montreal. That was a huge waste of money and a big letdown because one of the main things to do while in Montreal is drink, and this momma was not drinking. Although this momma certainly ate a lot, took many naps, and watched plenty of Baby Story.

So now that Mateo is walking and slightly more independent, we thought a nice, local vacation would be fun. I searched for houses, cabins, anything where we had our own kitchen or kitchenette, bathroom, and some space. I found a lot of nice places, somewhat close, but still quite a trip for our first time driving a couple of hours with a wiggly, short-attention span toddler in the back seat. I was ready to book.

Then the fear set in. What if Mateo breaks something? Falls into the river (many houses I was interested in were right on the river)? Drowns (in said river)? Never sleeps which means I never sleep? Is a 24-hour crab apple? Breaks something? Breaks more things? Was it worth it? The deposit was hefty. The fees were more hefty. If something horrible happened and we had to pay for damage, it was going to be the same as buying the house.

I chickened out.

Then a month or so ago, my husband and I looked for cabins again, anything that was quick to get to and get out of (in case it all goes bad, see above), cheap with no written hefty fees that we had to sign our lives away on. We actually agreed on one plus in the Big Basin area. My husband called. They said we had to stay a week -- minimum. Well, there goes that idea. I just don't stay anywhere that long.

Then a few weeks ago, I got the vacation crazies. I needed a vacation, my heart was telling me. So what if Mateo destroys a place we're renting. It's okay. We're on vacation. Right then, and I kid you not, I got an e-mail about the opening of some new hotel / resort in Half Moon Bay, a place my husband and I have frequented a few times, staying at a lovely B&B right next to the ocean. I looked. It was expensive. For some stupid reason I was considering it. Then I remembered about The Beach House, which is a super nice hotel featuring all suites. Although expensive, depending on what you wanted to see outside your window, it was cheaper than the new place opening up.

I looked at my options, I asked my boss if it was "kid-friendly" enough so that I won't want to hide in our room with my toddler who will be 16 months when we go, and then booked the suite. Sigh....vacation, I thought. It'll all be okay. We have two beds (in case one of us has to sleep with Mateo because a threesome isn't working - and no, we don't normally sleep with him, but I have a feeling a hotel crib isn't going to cut it for him), a tub (to wash all the sand and dirt and yuck and muck Mateo will get on him) and a little living room area. My husband was pleased. Everything was set.

Now this brings me here, today, April 25th, and the more I think about our two-night trip to Half Moon Bay, the more I begin to worry:

Is there a refrigerator? (yes)

If there wasn't, what the heck are we going to do about milk? (ah, not to worry cause there IS ONE.)

What about food? (pack it?)

What if Mateo is a nightmare? (it'll probably happen off and on, but what else is new?)

What if Mateo doesn't sleep? (little boy + outside + water + new things to explore + sun + warm weather = one pooped out little boy)

What if it's no fun and all stress? (it'll b fun and stressful - but isn't that what you signed up for?)

Will we be able to have a sit-down meal? (probably, but bring lots of cheerios)

Will I find a bathing suit that fits me but isn't a tight, spandex-y sac yet makes me feel sorta okay? (no, but have you ever?)

What will we do? (lots of stuff - don't worry)

Will Mateo sleep? Will I sleep? (yes, and sorta)

What about feeding Mateo? (see items 1-3 above)

One thing I realized as I was going home today that will help me get through this and not vocalize my worries so much is that when we decided to create the child known as Mateo, we pretty much gave up the right to want to have singular fun as a couple. And that pretty much everything we do that is fun from this point on until who knows when it about making life fun, exciting and new for him.

And while I do miss those carefree days of doing whatever whenever and as late as I wanted to, I'm pretty excited that we're able to share so much with Mateo (yes, even though he won't remember a single thing about it) now and hopefully continue to do so.

If I keep telling myself that, will I stop worrying? Nahhhhh.